


I Lost All of My Senses

by maudah



Category: Of Mice & Men (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 19:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4275375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maudah/pseuds/maudah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when a mute guy falls in love with a deaf boy? </p><p>Cashby fanfiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Normal is an adjective that designs something that is conforming to the standard or the common type. It's something that is usual, not abnormal, regular and natural. That wasn't me.

One thing I learned in life is that nothing ever comes easy. You always have to fight for what you want, for your dreams and your ambitions. People will always try to bring you down, to make you feel like you're not good enough. They'll push you until you faint, until you can't even stand anymore. They'll insult you on every part of you that you already hate and they'll make you doubt about the little details you once were sure of. Humans, horrible creatures. Why do we keep calling them the most intelligent and evolved forms of life on this planet when all they do is destroy lives, crush dreams and bring you down? If humans were as bright as we pretend them to be, they would realize that words can cut like knives and that a single sentence can make everything crash. You can't trust them.

I hate humans, always did and always will. They always made me feel like I was worth nothing, like I wasn't even worth a cent. Their laughs have always been my worst nightmares, hunting me everywhere I went. I wanted everything to stop; I just wanted to have a normal life. But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. For years, I wanted to stand in a crowded room and scream in a voice people couldn't ignore. I wanted to just stand there and tell them about all the pain they put me through. But I couldn't. I wanted to, but I couldn't. Because life didn't give me the opportunity to do such a thing, life didn't give me a voice that would make a change.

My name is Alan Ashby and I'm mute. I've been mute since the day that I was born, not a single sound ever came out of my mouth since then. I've never been ''normal''. Humans always loved to define what was normal and what wasn't. I never matched their definition of normality. No matter where I went, I never felt accepted. I never felt like I was part of something. People would find me weird and stupid because I couldn't talk. I never made friends because who would want to hang with a kid who can't even speak a word? Who would want to waste their time with someone they can't even have a real conversation with? People from all ages made front of me, even insult me when I was right beside them. I was mute, not deaf. I could hear them. I could hear their words that caused me to cry myself to sleep every day. I could hear their critics, I could hear everything. They wanted me to be somebody else. But unlike most people, I couldn't change.

I knew I was never going to be normal. I would never have a normal job. I would never have tons of friends. I couldn't even attend a normal school. I had to attend one for people like me, as they liked to say. I had to attend a special school for mute and deaf people, because we didn't fit anywhere else. My life wasn't easy and it was really hard to handle for a 17 year old who just wanted to be normal and happy. The only friends that I had were people who were also mute. They actually were the only persons that I could have a normal conversation with other than parents who probably felt forced to learn the only way I could communicate by. Again, society wouldn't have agreed that using signs was a normal language. I guess I never had a normal conversation after all. Nothing in my life has ever been normal. I wasn't a casualty and I was never going to be one even if I tried my hardest.

Many times in my life, I heard people around me say that being different is a great thing, that being different makes you unique. I heard them say that we should use the things we love the less about ourselves to go use, that we should use them to make us even more beautiful. I didn't believe them, I never did. If being different was such a good thing, people would never have made fun of me for being mute. They would never have treated me like I was some sort of monster, some sort of alien. If being different was such a great quality, I wouldn't have felt ashamed of being who I was. I would have been proud to be the guy that I was, with my qualities and perks. But it wasn't the case. I hated myself, I hated everything about me. I was just a mute teenager lose who was never going to go far in his life. And humans were once again the only ones to blame for making me believe that

I didn't see the point in going to school when I was never going to have a successful job. What was the point of wasting my time in class when I was just going to spend the rest of my life making no money at all? I wanted to drop out, but my parents were forcing me to stay. And since I wasn't 18 yet, I didn't have a word to say about what I wanted to do. I knew why they wanted me to stay in school. It wasn't that they wanted me to have a good job when I would be older. It wasn't that they knew that I could go far if I worked hard. I knew that the real reason was money. My parents were good people and were great to me. But, they still had some flaws; being obsessed with money being one of them. Truth is; the Government would send my parents some money every month as long as I stayed in school. It was a special program for parents who had children like me. It was an amount of money to help them pay for my special education. It just added to the list of how people treated us differently only because we weren't normal.

I sighed as our teacher, Mrs. Momsen kept explaining some algebra things that I couldn't understand. And by explaining, I mean that she was using signs as she spoke. Since some students in the class were either deaf or mute, Mrs. Momsen would use both languages so it could please the most students possible. Even though I could hear her, I paid more attention to her signs since I was so used to communicate by those since nobody who could properly talk ever took some of their time to sit with me and just talk about whatever. I just wished that I could meet someone that would be there for me. I just wished that I could meet someone that would pay some attention to me, someone that would treat me like I'm worth something. I wished that someone would come into my life and make me like I'm special. I wished that I could meet someone that wouldn't consider me different, someone that would treat me just like an ordinary boy. But I guessed that it was too much to ask. Because life was never easy for people like me, for people who are different. Life only made gifts to those who matched the standards, to those who could be considered perfect.

''Students, I would like you to meet our new student, Austin Carlile. Please make him feel welcome; he came all the way from California. Austin, please take a seat next to Alan, the ginger guy in the back,'' our teacher said, pissing me off. I didn't even look at the new student; I didn't want my eyes to meet with my teacher. I felt so much anger building inside of me. When I wasn't the mute guy, I was the ginger one. I had everything to make me the happiest guy in the world, right?

''Hello, I'm Austin, you're Alan right?'' a voice said coming from the seat next to mine I turned around and saw a guy sitting next to me. It felt like forever since someone actually sat next to me. It felt good to have someone talk to me for once.

''Yeah, I guess that it is me. Nice to meet you Austin,'' I replied using my hands. ''Nice to meet you too, I'm pretty sure that we'll become great friends,'' Austin replied also using his hands as he smiled at me.

I couldn't help but smile back. He barely talked to me, but I felt like he paid more attention to me than anyone did in the past years. He seemed to be a nice guy and I hoped that he was right when he said that we would become great friends. Because I was starving for friends, I was starving for affection and attention. But not only did Austin seemed gentle, he also looked very good. He was very tall, so tall that I felt like I was a dwarf next to him. He had some tattoos that covered his body, tattoos that all probably had some special meaning to him. And finally he had a gorgeous smile. It could light up an entire room and was brighter than the Sun. But there was no way that a guy like him could like someone like me. Other than both being deaf or mute, we had nothing in common. He was beautiful while I was ugly. But I wasn't going to complain about it. I was going to accept Austin's potential friendship. Maybe he could be that special someone to me. Maybe he could be that one person who would actually make me feel like I'm worth something. Maybe he would be the first person to make me feel like I'm not abnormal. Maybe he would be the one to make me feel proud of my flaws. Only time would tell. Until then, I was going to try to focus on my math lesson and maybe, glimpse at Austin occasionally.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day came by very quickly and I found myself being excited to go to school for the first time in forever. Usually, I would wake up and snooze multiple times, not wanting to get up. I didn't feel like getting out of my bed to go to a stupid place I didn't have a care in the world about. I would often miss my school bus by a few minutes and have my parents drive me to school, which they really didn't appreciate. They would get late to work because my school wasn't in the same direction of their workplaces. A lot of mornings I've heard them say that I was a lazy boy and that they paid a lot of money to go to school. And I never replied, because I couldn't. These were some of the major moments where I wished I wasn't mute. I hated being the kid who couldn't confront his parents, the kid who had to remain silent and let them be total jerks. Well, they weren't really jerks. I knew they were right, I just didn't want to admit that they were.

But this morning, they didn't have to yell at me so I would get out of my bed. My parents didn't have to tell me to hurry up so I wouldn't miss my bus. No. This morning I woke up ten minutes before the time my alarm was actually set at. And, I didn't even bother in drifting back to sleep. Instead, I got out of my bed and got ready. I never really cared about the way I looked when I went to school, there was nobody I wanted to impress. But things were different now. I had a certain guy on my mind and I wanted him to like me. I wanted to look good for him, I wanted to look like a nice teenage boy. I didn't want him to believe I was an ugly loser who couldn,t care less about his appearance. So, I took a shower and perfectly combed my hair. I dressed in my best clothes: a pair of black skinny jeans, a nice plain white button up shirt and a pair of black Converse. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt kind proud of my work. I really hoped it would, I really hoped that they way I looked would impress Austin so he would pay attention to me like I wanted him to do.

I waved my parents goodbye and made my way to the bus stop. I was really nervous, never before has someone had this effect on me. I didn't understand why I was being so anxious thinking about Austin. He was just a guy that I met the previous day who say that we would be friends. It wasn't like I had a crush on him...even though he was one of the most beautiful creatures that I have ever laid my eyes on. He just looked so perfect. Maybe he was some kind of God or something. Maybe he had some powers and used a spell against me to make me anxious and nervous around him. That would really make sense. Who was I kidding? I totally had a crush on that new kid who I have barely spoken to. But who wouldn't crush on a guy as good looking as Austin? I had to calm. I didn't want to act like a stupid kid around him, I didn't want him to be scared of me and not talk to me ever again. That would be a nightmare, sort of.

So, I used the best cure I knew against anxiety: music. I listened to my favorite songs on the way to school. While people wouldn't talk to me, music did. I loved how I could relate to some lyrics perfectly. I loved how I could find some solace while listening to my favorite artists. I loved everything about music. One good thing about music: when it hits you, you feel no pain. And no matter the moment of the day, music always hit me in the best way possible. I figured that music spoke where words failed because a word without music would be a mistake. I was brought back to reality when I saw other students standing up from their seats. I just was so into the new Apocalyptica album that I didn't even realize that we reached the school. I stood up from my seat and followed my comrades to class. I felt like today was going to be a good day, that something amazing would happen.

When I reached my classroom, there were a few students that were already there along with our teacher Ms. Momsen. I sat at my regular seat, not leaving my eyes off the door. I wanted a certain guy to come in and seat next to me. He was the only reason I really wanted to be sitting in this stupid classroom. I didn't care about learning new stuff. All I cared about was that tall guy whose skin was covered in tattoos. Minutes went by and other stupids took their seats in the class. But Austin wasn't among them. I really wished that he would show up, he had to. I dressed like a nice guy for him, I woke up early just for him. My wish came true when Austin entered the room one minute before the beginning of the class. I guessed I must have been staring at him a lot because his gaze caught mine and he smiled shyly as he walked towards me. He had a smile to die for, a smile I would die for.

''Well good morning Alan, how are you?'' Austin asked as he sat next to me.

''Oh hey Austin, I'm fine how are you?'' I replied using my hands as the smile on my face never faded away.

''I'm good too, thanks for asking.'' he said. ''So, am I wrong or you were totally staring at me?''

''Oh, no I wasn't. I was just staring at the board. I love how green it is. It's beautiful green,'' I replied shyly. Who said mute guys couldn't be akward while communicating by sign language.

''Yeah, the board...sure. Keep telling yourself that, Alan,'' Austin teased.

I ignored him, I didn't want him to think I was a creep or something. It would be a good way to impress him. So, I was very happy when our teacher started to speak about a project we would have to do. But I wasn't so happy anymore when Ms. Momsen told us what we wouldn't be working on our own on this project.

''This project will be worth 40% of your grade in history. You will work in teams of two. I'll make this easy for you; you'll be working with the person seating next to you. I'm going to give you the rest of the class to come up with a subject after discussing with your partners. I'll be collecting them before the end of the period,'' Ms. Momsen said in both languages this class could use so everybody would understand her.

I was going to work with Austin. It was a good thing, I believed. Or maybe it wasn't. I was afraid that I would start acting weird aroud him and that he would make fun of me and not want to be my friend. But, from the little I knew from Austin, I could tell that he wasn't the kind of boy to be mean towards people. He seemed to be a pretty nice guy who didn't love to argue.

''Lucky you, Alan. You get to work with me,'' Austin said as he moved his chair closer to mine. I had to come up with something. I couldn't just say ''Oh yes I am.'' That would have been totally weird.

''Or lucky you, Austin,'' I replied.

''Yeah, I guess I'm really lucky,'' he added smiling before winking at me.

Was I hallucinating or did he just flirt with me? I had to keep calm but it was easier said than done. It wasn't everyday that I had a stunning guy winking at me. So I just smiled and hoped that my cheeks weren't too red. Fortunately, Austin didn't make any comment about it and we started discussing about some topics we could do our project on. I loved how Austin and I could communicate. Even if we didn't speak the same language, we could understand each other perfectly, maybe because we wanted to and gave ourselves the chance to understand one another. I loved the sound of his voice. He couldn't pronounce words perfectly since he was deaf, but it was still music to my ears. He impressed me a lot.

''What would you like to work on?'' Austin asked.

''I don't know, what would you like to work on?'' I replied smiling. My eyes were on Austin's face while his were on my hands.

''I don't know, that is why I'm asking you. But, maybe we could work on some important historical character?'' Austin proposed.

I loved the idea so I simply nodded. We both individually wrote down some characters we would like to work on some sheets of paper. When we were down, we compared our lists to see if we had some in common. We had one and it turned out to be my first choice.

''I guess we have our subject,'' Austin said as he raised his hand. Ms.Momsen noticed him and walked towards us.

''Can I help you guys?'' She asked.

''Yeah we picked our subject! We're going to be working on Walt Disney,'' I replied.

Our teacher smiled and noted down our subject in her notebook. For the rest of the period, Austin and I chatted a lot. We talked about some random stuff like our families and friends before we asked each other some more personnal questions.

''What do you find the most difficult about being deaf?'' I asked.

''I guess it's not being able to hear people laugh. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but I don't know. I just think that people look so beautiful when they laugh, they seem to be so happy and in peace. And, I guess that the sound that comes with it has to be one of the most beautiful ones on Earth. I'd like to hear you laugh, Alan...Anyway, what do you find the most difficult about being mute?'' Austin answered.

I thought about it a little before giving Austin my answer. There were a lot of things that I wished were otherwise. I wished I could use words instead of using my hands. I wished that I could have conversations with ''normal'' people. But among everything, there was one thing that I found more difficult than everything else.

''Not being able to sing, I guess. Music is everything to me, it's my espace when reality gets too rough. I love listening to music, I love feeling artists' emotions in the songs I listen. And I wish I could do the same. I wish I could express all my sadness and anger...even my happiness by singing. But since I'm mute, I have to restrain myself to only write down some lyrics that I will never be able to scream out loud. But at least I'll always have music to make me feel better when I'm at my lowest,'' I gestured.

''I would love to read your lyrics, I'm pretty sure they're amazing,'' Austin replied.

''They really aren't,'' I said.

''I'll be the one to judge,'' Austin added as the bell rang.

As I went to collect my books, Austin made me sign to remain at my seat. A few seconds later, he handled me a small piece of paper. I would probably be later for next period but I didn't care, curiosity won over everything else. My heart melted as I read Austin's note.

''You seem to be an incredible guy Alan and I can't wait to know more about you. Thanks for listening and opening up to me today, you're a great friend. Text me? 581-742-5932''

Of course, I'll text you Austin.


	3. Chapter 3

irst thing I did when I got home was adding Austin's number in my phone. Once this was done, I was in a huge dilemma. I didn't know if I should text him right away or wait a few days. I didn't want Austin to believe that I was some desperate guy who was totally obsessed with him. But at the same time, I really wanted to text him and get to know him better since he really intrigued me. After a long hour of hesitation, I finally sent him a message in the hopes that he would reply. And he did.

[To: Austin :)] Hey, it's Alan :P

[From: Austin:)] Oh hey Alan! I was wondering when you would finally text me! How are you?:)

[To: Austin :)] Oh yeah, I was busy. Were you missing me already? Haha just kidding. But I'm fine, it feels good to be home after a long day at school! I'm so glad it's the weekend and that we don't have to go to school tomorrow. What about you?

[From: Austin :)] Who wouldn't miss you, Alan Ashby; you and your good looks? I'm fine too! Though my mom's been a pain in the ass since I got home, asking me to do all sorts of chores. Do I look like a guy who does laundry? Wait. Don't answer that.

[To: Austin:)] Well, if I'm being honest, you don't look like a guy who does laundry. You look more like a guy who irons linen ;) But yeah dude, I know what you mean. My mom also asks me to do a lot of chores. Moms sometimes...

[From: Austin:)] Yeah, they can be so annoying but we can't help but love them anyway. What are you up to?

[To: Austin:)] Not much really. Just listening to some music until my parents call me for dinner. And you? :)

[From: Austin:)] Just texting you :) Hey! Would you like to play 20 questions? It could be nice and we would get to know each other! Please say yes, please ginger kitty!

[To: Austin:)] I'll say yes if you don't call me ginger kitty ever again -.-

[From: Austin:)] Oh come on, it's a cute nickname!!

[To: Austin:)] Fine then. I'll call you Austie.

[From: Austin:)] Alright Mr. Grumpy, no more nicknames. You go first! Ask me anything!

[To: Austin:)] Okay eum...Question number one: What's your favorite colour?

[From: Austin:)] I hope your next questions are going to be more interesting than this one, Alan Ashby. My favorite colour is green! Question number two: If you could be an animal for a day, which one would you be?

[To: Austin:)] Is this even a question? I would be a freaking cat. Because cats are perfect and amazing. They're life. Question number three: If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

[From: Austin:)] I should have known that Ginger Kitty was totally obsessed with cats haha ;) To answer your question, I would probably go to Canada. I heard about maple syrup and how amazing it tastes. So yeah, Canada! Question number four: What do you love the most about yourself?

[To: Austin:)] What did I tell you about calling me that, Austie? DON'T CALL ME GINGER KITTY. It's too girly. I'm not a girl, I'm all man. Physically, there is nothing I really love about myself. So, I'll say that what I love the most about myself is my music taste. Question number five: What are you scared of?

[From: Austin:)] Don't say that Alan, never doubt about your looks. You are beautiful, trust me! Like you said, you're all man, just like me. And man are scared of nothing. Well, except squirrels. Those things totally freak me out. They seem so friendly but I bet they all are hypocrites who are planning to dominate the world someday. Question number six: What is your favorite food?

[To: Austin:)] Are you drunk or something hahaha? This is the silliest thing I've ever heard, you're really funny:) My favorite food is lasagna. It's just so delicious, the mix of sauce, cheese, vegetables and pasta. I'm starving now. Question number seven: How many people have you dated?

[From: Austin:)] We're getting to personnal stuff, aren't we? I used to date this guy. We dated for several months but we broke up when he had to move to Australia. I've been single since then. Oh yeah, I'm gay, if you haven't noticed already:P I hope you're okay with this! Question number eight: Would you happen to be gay too?

[To: Austin:)] I'm sure fine with you being gay since I'm gay too, if you haven't noticed already ;) Question number nine: Are you born deaf and how have you dealt with it?

[From: Austin:)] Welcome to the gay club Alan Ashby haha. I wasn't born deaf. In fact, I've been able to hear for years. I became deaf a few weeks after I turned 14. I was involved in a fight and I got pretty injured. I became deaf that night. Doctors explained me that I hit my head on the ground and that it actually lost my hability to hear. They've never seen anything like that before so they couldn't give me much more explainations. It's been very hard at first you know? I was so used to hear everything and in a second, all I could hear was complete and constant silence. It's been rough because I had to learn a new way to communicate and to understand my loved ones. Thankfully, I've always been good at reading on people's lips. I still had to learn sign language which wasn't very easy But I'm used to it now and I accept who I am. I wish that I could go back to that one night and not get involved in that fight. But I can't, so I try to enjoy my life at the fullest I guess :) Question number ten: Kind of the same question actually, but have you always been mute?

[To: Austin:)] I'm sorry to hear that Austin! It must be so hard going to hear everything to nothing. You're a really strong person and I admire that a lot. Me, I was born mute. I've never been able to talk and doctors never figured out why I was born this way. It was hard you know, and it still is. I never had a lot of friends because I always was that weird kid who couldn't talk. People made fun of me because I was different. I just wanted to be like them. It's not cool to hear everybody around you talk and laugh while you can't. I just wished I could do that as well. But like you said, I got used to my situation. I learned how to communicate. Maybe one day, doctors will find a way to give me a voice. That would be one my biggest wishes. But yeah, I need to enjoy life even if it sucks 99% of the time haha! Question number eleven (wow we're halfway there): Don't answer if you don't want to, but have you ever had sex?

[From: Austin:)] You are a very courageous person as well, Alan... even if you're a little naughty! Yeah I had sex with my ex. I also had a couple of one night stands there and there, nothing really serious you know. Question number twelve: What is your wildest fantasy? ;)

[To: Austin :)] I really don't know...unlike you I'm still a virgin (please don't judge me) The only thing that touched me down there was my own hand :S but I guess I would love to have sex on a plane one day. I don't know why, I just think that it is hot. Like, going in the small bathroom while you know there are a lot of people around that could hear you :P

[From: Austin:)] Well, looks like little Alan Ashby will be an exhibitionist ;) But hey, I'm not judging you at all for being a virgin. I hope that your first time will be with somone you really love (: You forgot to send me a question young man!! GO GO GO!

[To: Austin:)] Oh right, sorry :3 Question number thirteen: books or movies?

[From: Austin:)] Movies all the way, even if I can't hear them anymore! Question number fourteen: what is your favorite tv show?

[To: Austin:)] WHAT? No. No. No. Books are so much better than movies Austin. How dare do you say that movies are better than books? Books are way more detailed and meaningful. (By the way, my favorite TV show is Shameless, don't know if you ever head of it) Now back to the real subject. Books are everything. Plus, can you feel a movie between your hands? Can you smell the old paper of a movie? No you can't. So books before movies. Okay sorry about my rant haha I just love arguing with people who say movies are better than books :3 Question number fifteen: What is your favorite pizza topping?

[From: Austin:)] If I had known that answering movies would have caused this, I would have said books hahaha. Are you also going to be mad at me if I say that my favorite pizza topping is mushroom? Question number sixteen: What is your favorite song and why?

[To: Austin:)] I won't argue with you on this one because I would have said the same things. My love for mushrooms is bigger than the whole Universe haha. Eum, your question is really hard for me to answer because I love so many songs. But my all time favorite would have to be Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan. I just connect to the lyrics of this song so much. I don't know, it makes me feel like it's okay not to be okay and that I'm not the only one to feel this way. This song is perfect in everyway. It always makes me a little emotional to be honnest. Also reminds me of my childhood where I used to be the biggest Simple Plan fan on Earth! Plus, Pierre Bouvier is bae. Question number seventeen (wow it's almost over): If you could have any superpower, which one would it be?

[From: Austin:)] I love Simple Plan too, last stuff I head from them years ago was pretty good :) Eum, if I could have any superpower, I think it would be the hability to fly. As a little kid, I always had this silly dream where I would be a bird for a day so I could fly. I don't know. To me, flying means being totally free and peaceful. I would love to experience that. Question number eighteen (you're right this is almost over :( ): Would you either visit the past or the future?

[To: Austin:)] I think I would visit the future! I don't want to go back in the past and see all the mistakes that humanity did. I don't want to to go back to when Hitler killed millions of Jews. I don't want to go back where people would gatter and watch people die in front of them. I don't want to go back to the time where equality still wasn't a vocabulary world. By visiting the furute, I would have hope that things went for the best for humanity. I would hope that there would no longer be religious wars, that there would be less poverty and that everybody would have the same rights all over the world. I would hope that everybody would have access to food and water. I would have this hope that things would be better than they are right now. I guess that is just an optimistic side that I have :) So last question for me: Cats or Dogs?

[From: Austin:)] You're full of wisdom, Alan Ashby :) I love the way to see the future! And obviously cats, mostly ginger ones ;) And now, the last of the last: What would be your dream date?

[To: Austin:)] STOP WITH THE GINGER KITTY THING. -.- Eum, I guess my dream date is pretty cliché. I would like for some guy to take me to the beach where we would have a picnic by the water. And we could go get some ice cream, I've often seen that in movies :3 We would then watch the sunset and the stars up overhead. It would be pretty simple yet very romantic to me :) Maybe I would finally have my first kiss haha ^^

[From: Austin:)] I'm taking you there. Tomorrow. We have a date Alan Ashby. Text me your address and I'll pick you up at 7PM. I'll see you tomorrow ;)

Did Austin really asked me on a date? This was too good to be true.


	4. Chapter 4

I was going on a date with the one and only Austin Carlile, this was too good to be true. Yet, it was extremely stressfull and nerve-racking. It wasn't everyday that I was asked to go on date with one of the most beautiful creatures created by God or whoever there was up there. I wanted to look as good as possible because I knew Austin would look amazing. And, I wanted to look good for him. I didn't want him to regret going out with me. I already didn't understand why he was interested in going on a date with me; I wasn't going to give him an easy reason to run away from me. Austin saw something in me that I wasn't aware of and I wanted things to remain the same. I wanted him to keep liking me, if he even liked me. That was why I found myself trying on all the clothes that I had in my closet until I found the perfect outfit. It wasn't a surprise that this perfect outfit turned out to be a white button-up shirt with a pair of black skinny jeans. I fixed my perfectly clean hair and was happy with it. It was one of those days where I was happy with being in ginger. Because Austin loved this part of me.

After spending a long time texting Austin the other night, I felt like we had some kind of connection. I felt like we went from being strangers to being close in a matter of time. He knew more stuff about myself than all the people I've met in my life. He was the first one to know me that well because I trusted him. For the first time in forever, someone really wanted to know me better. I felt like he really wanted to know more stuff about me, like he truly cared about who I was. I knew it was hard to really know how a person feels when sending a text message, but I knew by Austin's answers that he cared. When he asked me on a date, I felt my heart beat so rapidly. I was genuinely happy.

I wanted the date to be perfect, I felt like I finally deserved to have a good time, to enjoy a good moment with someone who seemed to care about me, with someone I also cared about. I didn't want anything to ruin my night with Austin. He was going to make my dream date come true and I did not want anything to come between us. This night was about him and myself, about us. I felt so privileged to spend a couple of hours with him, I was so honored that he was giving me some of his time to make me have a good time. I haven't known him for a long time, I've known him for only a couple of days. But, I knew that I liked him and I couldn't wait to see where this date would lead us. I was so lost in my toughts that I didn't even hear a knock on the door. I realized it was 7PM when I heard my mother speaking to someone very familiar.

''Oh hello, you must be Austin, the boy Alan hasn't stopped talking about since last night. It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Lucy, Alan's mother,'' I heard my mother say very quicly, probably forgetting that Austin was deaf.

''Yeah that would be me, nice to meet you. I-I'm sorry I didn't catch your name, you were speaking a little too fast for me, I don't know if Alan warned you about me being deaf...'' Austin replied.

''Of course he did, I'm so sorry I forgot about it Austin,'' she replied slowly.

''May I ask where my favorite ginger is?'' Austin asked, making me smile from where I was seating. I wanted to listen to their conversation for a little while.

''He is in the living room. Alan, get over here! Austin is here and looks absolutely beautiful,'' my mother answered.

I made my way to where they were both standing and Austin offered me his best smile when he noticed me. He had a smile to die for, a smile full of caring and sincerity. And my mother was right. Austin looked more than beautiful, he looked like an angel that has fallen from the sky. And he was going to my angel for the whole night.

''You look amazing Alan,'' Austin said, making my cheeks go as red as my mother's lipstick.

''Not as amazing as you,'' I replied using my talkative hands.

I couldn't keep my eyes off him so couldn't his. We we staring at each other, just smiling timidly and enjoying the moment that was so ruined by my lovely mother.

''Now boys be careful. Alan, I want you to act responsible. Don't go do anything stupid or I'll have to kick your ass more than once. And you Austin, take care of my precious Alan. I want him back home before midnight. If anything happens to my son, I'll hunt you down, understand? Now you boys have a good night,'' she warned us before opening the door for us to go out.

Austin grabbed my hand in his and led me to the passenger side of his car. He opened the door for me and closed it once I was sitting on my seat. What a gentleman. A few moments later, he was sitting right next to me and we were on our way to a beautiful night.

''Your mother seems very nice, though she can be a little overprotective. I like her,'' Austin said.

''Yeah, she can be very annoying sometimes, but yeah gotta love her,'' I replied before flashing Austin my best smile.

''I'm so happy that you said yes on going on a date with me Alan. I planned everything and I'm sure that you will have an amazing night, so will I,'' Austin said.

''I'm happy I did. And, I'm sure I'm going to have a good night. Whatever we do, it will be great because I will have you with me,'' I replied. My hands and mind felt like being a little flirty.

We spent the rest of ride being quiet, just enjoying each other's presence. Nothing really needed to be said or gestured. It was a comfortable silence. We would stare at each other then and there and would blush when being caught staring for too long. I had the best of views next to me, so it was hard not looking at him and losing myself in their eyes. It was hard not admiring his perfect face and body.

''We're here!'' Austin said, bringing me back to reality that was as beautiful as my daydream. I looked around me and we were parked by a deserted beach.

''There's nobody else here?'' My hands asked.

''No, this part of the beach has belonged to my family for years now. Nobody's authorized here but the Carlile family...and cute little gingers named Alan Ashby,'' Austin answered before kissing my cheek.

I smiled and got out of the car. I looked around me once more and felt like I was in Paradise. This was the best place that I have ever been too. I was so glad that Austin was giving me the chance to be standing in a place as beautiful as this one. I followed my date who was carrying a picnic basket and a blanket. We walked for a few minutes until we reached the perfect spot under a tree. Austin placed the blanket on the sand along with the basket. He sat on it and I did the same.

''I prepared some sandwiches along with homemade apple juice and rice krispies. I hope you'll like it,'' Austin said as he grabbed the food from the basket, the food that he has made himself just for us, for this special occasion.

''I'm 200% certain that I will enjoy everything that you prepared, Austin,'' I replied.

And I was right. The food was devine, a creation of God. The sandwiches that Austin prepared were an orgasm for my taste buds. Egg, ham, turkey, cheese; I loved every single one of them. And the juice, it was perfect, not too sweat and not watery. And the rice krispies were perfectly baked. Maybe it was just luck, but rice krispies turned out to be my favorite dessert. That showed that Austin and I had a special connection. We had small conversation while eating. It was a little hard since I couldn't eat while communicating. I couldn't use my hands to do both things at the same time. But we still managed to have a nice talk, to get to know each other more than we already did.

''The food was perfect Austin, thanks a lot. You didn't have to do all of this for me,'' I said.

''It's no problem Alan, you're my ginger kitty after all. And my ginger kitty deserves what is best,'' Austin replied using the nickname that I used to hate.

''Ok, I have to admit that hearing you calling me ginger kitty is not that bad after all,'' I said.

''I knew that you would change your mind,'' Austin teased. ''So, would you like to go on a boat ride. I got my licence recently and I thought it would be nice to just, you know, spend some time on the water. And this if for you.'' Austin gave me a water combinaison. What did he want me to with it?

''It sure sounds nice! And why do I need this? Want me to put it on?'' my two best mates replied.

''Yup I want you to put it on, don't ask any other questions please. You can use the bathroom up there, it isn't locked. Meet me by the dock when you're ready,'' Austin said happily.

I did as said and made my way to the small bathroom by an average size cottage. I took off my clothes and started putting on the combinaison. I finally managed to dress up after a long 5 minutes of struggling. Why were they doing those things in a cloth that made dressing up pratically impossible? I left my clothes in the bathroom and walked towards the dock to meet Austin who was already on the boat.

''Took you long enough,'' Austin teased.

''Hey, you're not the one who needed to dress up in this,'' I replied, trying to show an angry expression.

''Sure Mr Grumpy. Come on, hop in!'' Austin said.

I couldn't keep my angry expression on, I was just too happy to be with Austin. I joined him on the boat and sat on the seat right next to his, the captain one. He gave me a life jacket that I put on and he did the same. Being cautious before being reckless.

''Are you ready?'' He asked.

''More than ready,'' I replied.

And we were off.

\--------

Austin's P.O.V.

I was having the time of my life with my beautiful ginger. I only met him a few days earlier, but I really liked him. There are times in life when two people are just meant to be together. And I felt like Alan and I were some of those lucky people. I couldn't help but smile as I watched him being all amazed as we travelled on the sea. He was the most beautiful human being that I have ever seen. He was just perfect in so many ways. I loved the way his ginger hair fell over his face. I loved how his smile and eyes could communicate more than words could. I loved how he would blush whenever I complimented him. I had an ultimate crush on Alan Ashby and I loved it. The date was perfect so far and it sure wasn't over yet. I still had a few surprises for Alan and was going to take place at this very instant. I stopped the boat in the middle of nowhere and took out a pair of water skis in the trunk of the craft.

''Have you ever water-skiied?'' I asked Alan.

''No never,'' I replied. ''I never really had the chance to.''

''Here's your chance, I'm going to teach you, if you want to,'' I said.

''I would love to, this is awesome,'' Alan added smiling.

''Okay, so once your in the water wearing those, you'll grab the rope that I'll handle you. You will pull your knees to your chest, with your arms around your knees and the rope between the skis. You will keep your skis pointing straight forward, close together with the tips pointing up.Keep your arms straight at all time so you'll be able to stand up once the boat speeds up. This is the easiest part. If you succeed in standing up, you'll have to keep your knees bent at all time with arms straight in front of you,'' I explained.

''Ok I'm ready,'' Alan said.

He put on the water skis and jumped into the water that, thankfully, wasn't too cold. I gave him the rope and he did just like I told him, putting it between the skis. He gave me a thumbs up and I knew that this was the signal that it was ready to go.

The boat sped up. I looked behind me and Alan was in the water, not succeeding in getting out of the water. It was normal, most people take a long time before doing so. I turned around and drove back to where Alan was.

''Want to go again?'' I asked. He nodded so I gave him the rope back.

''Good luck beautiful!'' I said. Alan smiled and positionned himself correctly. I had a feeling that this was his time to shine. But I was wrong.

As I sped up, I turned my head around and noticed that Alan was still in the water. The water surronding him was all read. Alan was hurt. I didn't waste any second and drove back to him only to realize that Alan was showing a panicked expression. He was losing a big quantity of blood because he was missing an arm. Alan has been attaked by a shark and I was the only one who could save him from a certain death.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke feeling absolutely horrible and confused. I was in an unfamiliar room and I didn't like it. It was so cold, so dull. The walls were all covered in white paint, the kind of white that makes you feel sick deep inside of you. There was absolutely no ornamentation on those drab walls, creating a depressed mood in the room. I only knew one place where you could find rooms like the once I was in. The bed I was laying in, the small window in front of me, white walls...there was no doubt that I was in a hospital. But what was I doing there? Last thing I could remember was Austin teaching me to water ski on our date. I could not remember how, I could not remember why I was laying there. What could have possibly happened to me? Did I get injured? Why was I in the hospital? These were all questions that were soon going to be answered.

''Thanks God, you're awake,'' a familiar voice said. ''I was so worried that you would never wake up Alan.''

I looked at my left and saw Austin sitting on a chair by my side. He looked like he haven't caught a single second of sleep in days. He was holding my hand in his, caressing the top of it with his thumb. As he did so, I started feeling a sharp pain on the right side of my body. I let go of Austin's hand to touch my right shoulder. But that that was all that was there, a shoulder. My right arm was gone. I was starting to get flashbacks from last night. I was water skiing while Austin was driving the boat. I remembered falling in the water and Austin asking me if I wanted to give it another try. But I never stood on my feet again. Because I've been attacked by a shark. I've been attacked by a shark who stole the most important and precious part of my body with him. He stole the part of my body that allowed me to express myself. What was I going to do with only one arm now? I couldn't help but burst out into tears. This was a nightmare, a nightmare that I would never be able to wake up from.

''Don't cry Alan, please. I-I know it is hard and I know that you're in pain. But please don't cry. I hate seeing you sad,'' Austin said as he climbed on the bed with me.

That only caused me to cry even more. I layed my head on Austin's shoulder and cried painfully. Never have I felt so broken in my entire years of being on this big blue planet. Everything hurt, nothing was okay. I felt like I wasn't myself anymore and that I would never be again. Did I really deserve a life full of misery, pain and sadness? Was this what God really wanted from me, to suffer? Life already took my voice away from me. And now, it took away my second voice, what became my best friend through the years, my way of feeling a little bit more confident about myself. It was all gone, I had nothing anymore.

''I'm going to get the Doctor okay?'' Austin asked as he went to get out from the bed. I didn't want him to go. So I grabbed his wrist with the little strenght I still had inside of me and pulled him back by my side.

''Don't worry Alan, I will be right back. You need to see the Doctor so he can give you some medication. I know you're in pain right now. Trust me, I'll be back in less than a few minutes,'' he said as if he read my mind.

I nodded and let go of his hand, feeling emptier that I already was, which I thought couldn't be possible. While Austin was gone, I just stared at the room and cried. What else could I have done? I couldn't have yelled even if I wanted to. I could tried to make a sound but nobody would hear me, not even myself. I just wanted to scream. How could this be happening to me? I couldn't stand the pain, I couldn't make it go away. I knew I've made mistakes in the past, but were they that bad that I deserved this living hell? I was so lost in my dark thoughts that I didn't even see Austin and a female doctor entering the room. Austin gave me a small smile which I didn't return. What was there to smile about?

''Well hello Alan, it's good to see that you're finally awake,'' the Doctor said as she took the seat on which Austin used to be seating. ''I'm Dr. Gunn. but you can call me Lynn. I'm here to ask you a few questions and do a small check-up. Is that okay with you?''

I nodded. It wasn't like I had any other choice. At least, she looked nice and caring, not like the majority of Doctors I've met in the past.

''Okay, so do you remember what happened?'' She asked. I nodded. I remembered everything and I wished I didn't.

''You've been asleep for 3 days. You had lost a lot of blood when your friend brought you in here. You're a very lucky guy that he brought you here fast enough so we could save you,'' Lynn said as she was pointing at Austin.

A selfish and egoistic part of me wished that Austin had just left me in the water to die, or that the shark would have killed me. That way, I wouldn't have had to deal with this nightmare. I would be in a better place, a place where I wouldn't have been in pain. But I knew that Austin would have never left me here to die. It only showed that he really cared about me. I couldn't be mad at him for saving me. He did what anyone would have done, what anyone with a heart and soul would have done. And what he said next only confirmed my thoughts.

''It was the least I could do. I care about Alan, I-I just couldn't leave him to die,'' Austin said sadly.

This was probably hard for him, seeing someone he cared about being on the edges of death. If it had been the other way around, I knew that I would have been miserable. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Austin. We haven't known each other for a long time, but I haven't cared about someone as much in a while. That was until I met Austin. I looked at him and gave me a small smile, a real one.

''On a scale of one to ten, can you show me how strong the pain is right now?'' The Doctor asked.

I went to show 9 fingers, but I couldn't. Because I didn't have 9 fingers anymore. My eyes filled with tears once a again as I flashed a five then a four with my left hand. Lynn's expression changed as she way the tears falling for my eyes.

''I'm sorry, I shoudn't have asked it that way. I really am sorry,'' she apologized.

I grabbed her hand and gave her a tiny reassuring smile that told her that it was okay and that I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at life. I was mad at destiny. But I wasn't mad at her when she was only trying to help.

''I'm going to get you some pain medication. I'll be right back,'' Lynn announced. She stood up from the chair and left the room.

Austin didn't waste a second before taking her seat and grabbing my hand, bringing it to his face. A few seconds later, I was feeling a warm liquid on it, tears. Austin was crying and I didn't like it just like he didn't like seeing me sad. I removed my hand from his grip and caressed his hair tenderly, to comfort him a little. But it didn't work out very well. It only caused him to cry even more.

''I-I'm sorry Alan. I'm so sorry. This is all m-my fault. I'm the one who convinced you to water ski. If I hadn't, you would s-still have your two arms and you wouldn't be in p-pain. I feel so guilty Alan. Y-You could have died back there and it would have been because of me. B-Because of my stupid idea. I should be the one on that bed, n-not you. I'll f-forever be sorry Alan. I feel so r-responsible and y-you have all the rights to hate me forever,'' Austin said painfully.

I couldn't believe that he was actually blaming himself for what happened to me. I couldn't believe that he actually thought he was responsible of this whole accident. He wasn't the one who ate my arm, he wasn't the one who tried to kill me. He was the one who was trying to make me have the time of my life. He was the one who saved me when I was unconscious in the water, losing a big quantity of blood. Seeing him cry like this broke my heart. He was nothing but guilty. How could I possibly hate him? I only could think of one way to comfort him, to show him that he didn't have to blame himself. I removed my hand from Austin eyes only to bring it under his chin to lift his head a little. I wanted to look at him in the eyes and I wanted him to look back in mine since some say eyes are the window to the soul. I was lost into his eyes, and I could tell that he just as much lost into mine. He gave me a small smile, before leaning in, pressing our noses and foreheads together.

Our lips were only a few millimeters apart from each other. He was giving me the option to close the gap between us or not. And I did close it. He kissed me back at the exact moment my lips were on his. Our lips were moving in a perfect synchrony, they fitted little two puzzle pieces. It was our first kiss and it couldn't have been any better. Austin's lips left mine after a while and felt empty without them. This kiss was what we needed, what we both wanted. We stared at each other and I didn't any more sign of guilt in Austin's eyes.

''I promise that I will be there to help you, Alan. I'll be there to comfort you when you'll need me. You're not going to go through all of this on your own, because I'm not going anywhere. It's going to be a one step at a time adventure, and I'll be there at every single step that you'll take,'' Austin promised. And I knew that he was going to keep him promise, because he was Austin Carlile.

Lynn came back a few moments later and gave me my medication. Even though the kiss made me feel better, the sharp pain was still there and I needed the medication to make it fade away a little.

''So eum, it's already 9PM and visiting hours are over,'' she announed.

I looked at her with wide eyes. No, Austin couldn't go home. I needed him to stay with me. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want to spend this horrible night on my own, because I knew that it sure wasn't going to be easy.

''I'll make an exception for you,'' Lynn said as she felt the fear and anxiety in my eyes. ''I'll talk to night shift doctors and tell them that I allow him to stay. I'll be back in the morning where we'll talk about readaptation treatments and procedures. As for now, I'm wishing you both a good night. And Alan, if you feel to much pain during the night, press the red button on the left side of your bed. See you in the morning.''

She left the room, closing the door and light behind her. I was exhausted and I could tell that Austin was as well. He probably didn't sleep at all while I was in my short coma. He needed to sleep. He joined my in the not so very comfortable bed and wrapped his arm around me. I rested my head on his chest, and just like that, I was feeling comforted and secure.

''Good night beautiful,'' Austin said. He pressed his lips to mine for a short 3 seconds kiss. But it was long enough to make me fall asleep with a smile on my face. Maybe there was still going to be some light and sunshine in all these storms and dark moments. Maybe Austin was my light. Not maybe, I knew that he was.


	6. Chapter 6

I woke up feeling more tired and depressed than ever. I didn't even catch a single second of sleep. It was already hard to sleep when the nurses would keep coming in my room to give me some pain medication every once and again...but I was also overthinking about everything that happened the day before, about how my life would be changed forever, how things would never be the same again. Some people say that change is good, for me it wasn't. I felt like I had lost everything, that I had lost all of my senses. Why was this happening to me?I cried silently during the entire night while Austin was fast asleep next to me. I didn't want him to worry about me so I waited until I was sure he was asleep before letting the tears fall from my eyes. I didn't want him to feel anymore guilt, to feel responsible for my sadness. It wasn't his fault and I hoped that he was convinced about that. He was a very great guy and I felt so lucky to have him by my side, the boy that I've met a few days before and who already managed to make me fall for him. At the moment, Austin was my strenght. He was the reason I wanted to fight even though all I really wanted was to give up. I wanted to keep my head up for him and not let life win over me. 

''Are you awake Alan?'' a familiar voice asked.

I nodded and gave him a small smile that didn't feel so forced like the ones I gave him the day before. 

''Why are you so far away from me? Come cuddle with me,'' Austin said as he grabbed me cautiously and brought me next to his body.

I rested my head on his chest while he put his arms around me. I felt secure in his arms, I felt like nothing bad could happen to me anymore. There was something about Austin that could make me feel good and happy, something I could not describe. I smiled a little before placing a soft kiss on his cheek, making him blush a little. Nothing was spoken after that, we just kept cuddling and it helped forget about the pain and my new nightmare for a little while. That was until my assigned doctor, Lynn, came in the room.

''Glad to see you're awake Alan. Good morning to you as well Austin. So, I'm here to talk to you a little about readaptation and physiotherapy before I let you go back home. I called your parents and they should be here in around an hour. Do you want to stay Austin?'' Lynn explained.

''Yes, I don't want to be anywhere else but here,'' the handsome guy by my side answered.

''Alright then, let's begin. There won't be much to do in the first week, Alan. We'll be able to begin a real readaptation when we take off your bandage next Sunday. Until then, just try to rest. It might be hard for you not to be able to do what you used to do before, but it will get better through the weeks. Once we take off your bandage, we will be able to create a special prosthesis using your other arm as a model. Once it will be done, we will actually start physiotherapy sessions where we will actually give you advices on how to use your prothesis and other useful stuff like that. It will be a one step at a time thing, but in the end, I know that you will be okay. I know that Austin there won't give up on you so easily and I'll also be there for you during the entire ride,'' Lynn said.

''That sounds all good but how will he be able to communicate until he gets his prothesis? He usually uses his two arms to say something, how will he do that now?'' Austin asked nervously, probably because of his guilt thing. He actually was more anxious that I was and I thought it was cute.

''Oh yeah, excellent question Austin, I almost forgot. The hospital is going to give your a special device that allows you to type everything you want to say by using the movements of your head. Once you're done typing what you want to say, it will be spoken out loud by a computerized voice, a little bit like Siri but less annoying. Maybe you will have some issues using it at first, but you'll see that it is easier than it looks like. I actually have it with me right, want to try it?'' my doctor replied.

I nodded. I was very curious about this device that was going to be my new voice, a voice that didn't belong to me. I heard about those devices before but I always refused to use it. I figured that I didn't really have a choice anymore. I knew how to use it which, you could say, was a good thing. They taught me how to use it once in some therapy sessions I used to attend. I placed the small device on my knees and began typing with my head the first thing that came to my mind. 

''I really need to use to bathroom,'' the masculine computerized voice said.

''Well sounds like your device is working well. Want me to go with you or do you prefer Austin to go with you?'' Lynn asked. I looked at Austin with puppy eyes and she got her answer.

''Alright, well I'll let you both alone for now. I'll be back to get you once your parents get here. Come search for me if you need me until then,'' she added before leaving my room. 

Austin quickly got out of bed and walked to my side to help me stand up. I was feeling very dizzy so I held on to him very tightly. I felt like I was going to fall, but Austin was keeping me safe right next to him. With his help, we walked in the hospital's hall that was overcrowed towards the nearest bathrooms. Once we got there and made sure it was empty, Austin opened the door for me. When I thought he was going to wait for me on the other side of the other, he got in as well. That was akward to me. I didn't want my crush and possibly future boyfriend to see me taking a dump. So I smiled timidly at him, wishing he would get the clue to leave me alone and he didn't. So I used my device hoping he would get it this time.

''I don't want to sound mean, but could you leave me alone please? I don't want you seeing me in this position. It's akward. Wait for me on the other side of the door, okay Austin?'' the computerized voice said.

''Oh eum, yeah sure. I-I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to my ginger kitty,'' Austin replied.

''I'll be okay Austin, I'm just using the bathroom,'' I typed on my device that repeated my thoughts.

''Okay sure. Just knock on the door when you're done so I can walk you back to your room,'' he said before opening the door and leaving me alone to do my business.

While doing so, all my thoughts were about Austin. You would say that it is weird thinking about the boy you like while taking a dump, but to me it wasn't. I always had that habbit to think about happy stuff while using the bathroom. And Austin was the thing, or should I say person, that made me the most happy at the moment. I loved how he cared about me and was ready to do anything to protect me, even watching me poop. I loved how great I felt into his arms and how I loved the sound of his voice. He was absolutely perfect and was glad to have him in my life. Even if I should, I didn't regret going on that date with him even though I lost my arm. I didn't regret it because I had the time of my life and everything felt magical. Something bad happen, but life is life. Nothing is always black or white. Once I was done with my business, I washed my hand and knocked on the door to inform Austin that I was ready to get back to my room. As soon as I knocked on it, the door opened revealing a worried Austin. 

''Took you long enough, I thought you like passed out on the toilet seat... oh my god Alan you don't smell like rose do you?' Austin said. 

I rolled my eyes and put the only arm I had left around his waist while he put his right arm around my neck. Together, we walked back to my room where he helped me get ready to meet my parents in a few minutes. I was very worried to see them. I was nervous about their reactions and how my new life would be with them. I didn't want to go back home, all I wanted was to stay with Austin and never leave his side. But that wouldn't happen. I started crying again as Austin held me tight against him. 

''What's wrong beautiful?'' Austin asked as he kissed my forehead.

''I just don't want to go back home with my parents Austin. I want to stay with you, I want to go to your place. I know it's stupid but your give me something that nobody else can. I need you,'' I typed on my device. Austin gave me a small smile before kissing me tenderly, his lips still fitting perfectly on mine, like they were meant to be together.

''Don't worry Alan. I will visit you everyday. I will call you every hour. And I will think about you every seond of the day. I'll be with you at all your medical appointments. I'm not going to leave you alone anymore. You will be stuck with me for a long time now Alan Ashby. You're my ginger kitty and I really like you,'' Austin said, making me feel better. 

''I love being your ginger kitty. And you're my Austie. I love having you by my side because you make me feel better. You make me happy,'' I typed down. 

''Listen Alan, I know that we've known each other for a little time, but like I said, I really really like you. I like every single details about you, you're unique, you're special and you're perfect. I almost lost you once and it scared me to death. You say that I make you feel better, you do the same for me. I need you in my life Alan Ashby; that is why I want you to be mine. Will you be my boyfriend?'' Austin asked nervously.

I nodded happily and crashed my lips on his. He was all mine now. Austin Carlile was officially my boyfriend. Boyfriend. The worded sounded so perfect to me, just like Austin. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. When I believed everything was dark and horrible, something good happened. Austin happened. We kissed for a while until we were interrupted by Dr. Gunn. 

''I'm sorry but your parents are waiting for you in the waiting room, Alan. Just get there as soon as possible please,'' she demanded. I nodded before giving Austin one last peck on his sweet lips. 

''I want to be your first everything,'' he whispered.

'' I want to be your last first kiss, '' I replied via my device.

Austin grabbed my hand in his and we walked together to where my parents were waiting for me.

''Alan baby we were so worried about you, how are you- why is he with you?'' my mother said angirly.

''I'm here because-'' Austin went to reply but was soon cut by my pissed off mother.

''I told you to protect my son. I told you to take care of him. But you didn't. He lost an arm, do you know how bad this is?'' my mother asked angrily.

''I never meant for this to happen Mrs Ashby. Everything was going fine until-'' Austin said but couldn't finish his sentence, the memory hurting him too much. I couldn't take anymore, so I began typing everything that was on my mind. 

''How dare you stand next to my son after what happened, you-''my mother said.

''Will you both stop it?'' my new voice said. '' Mother, stop blaming Austin. It wasn't his fault. He saved me and I owe him everyting. You're yelling at him like he is a piece of shit when he is not. He's been there for me all night while you weren't. He took care of me while I cried myself to sleep while you didn't. And now, instead of actually hugging me and asking me how I am, you say nasty things to my boyfriend. Yeah, boyfriend. So act like a good mom and take me home and leave Austin alone.'' 

''I-I'm sorry Alan, you're right...it's just...whatever. Let's go home. Say goodbye to Austin,'' my mother said. I kissed Austin tenderly, maybe too long for my mother's pleasure. But I couldn't care less if she liked it or not.

''I'll see you soon ginger kitty, I promise,'' Austin said when his lips left mine.

I smiled and pecked his lips one more time because they were so addicting. I gave him a hug before walking towards the exit with my parents. It wasn't even a minute since I said goodbye to Austin and I was already missing him. It showed how much I needed him in my life, how much I needed him more than anybody else. My boyfriend, my gardian angel.


	7. Chapter 7

Let's just say being away from Austin was harder than I thought it would be. I needed him, I needed the comfort nobody else but him could give me. I needed him to hold me tight before drifting to sleep, I needed him to kiss me to tell me that everything was going to be just fine. I wanted him right next to me, but that wasn't posible. Because of my parents. They were not the biggest fans of Austin. In fact, they really hated him. They blamed him for what happened to me, saying that I would still have both of my arms if it wasn't for him. They didn't understand why I still loved him after what he did to me. And what exactly did he do to me? He gave me love, comfort and solace. How couldn't I still love him after he gave me those things as precious as diamonds? I tried to explain how I felt about Austin to my parents, but they wouldn't hear a single word. They forbade him from visiting me at home. They weren't allowing him to be with me when I needed him the most and it hurt. At least we could still text each other, but it wasn't enough. Not only could I barely text him with only one arm, I could not even hear his beautiful arms. I could not feel his skin on mine, his lips on my lips. 

It's been a whole week since I got out of the hospital and it was finally time to remove my stitches. I pleaded my parents to let Austin join us...well the computerized voice did. They said no. Couldn't they see how much it was hurting me not to have Austin around? Didn't they notice how I was a mess without him, how he was the only person who could bring a little joy in my life when everything else was grey? They didn't, being the two stubborn adults they were. We got to the hospital in the early hours of the morning because my parents had better things to do afterwards. Of course they wouldn't stay home with me to check if I was okay. They kept going to work and to their fancy dinners, not changing their routine. Money would always be more important than me and nothing in the world would change that. Not even me getting attacked by a shark. I could have invited Austin while my parents were at work, but they installed some cameras in the house so I wouldn't. Shows how much they loved me, right?

''Alan, glad to see you again!,'' Lynn, my doctor said as she entered my room. ''How have you been doing lately?'' 

''I've been doing okay I guess. My arm...well what is left of it still hurts a little but it's not that bad. What hurts the most is not having my boyfriend, Austin, around... I really miss him,'' I typed on my small device who repeated word after word everything I just wrote.

''It's perfectly normal that your arm still hurts a little, you'll still feel pain for a couple weeks but it won't be too bad. And about Austin...can't he visit at home? I mean, back when you were in the hospital, he wouldn't leave your side...I don't understand why he isn't visiting you,'' Lynn said.

''Well it's not that he doesn't want to visit me. He wants it more than anything else in the world. He just can't...'' I typed, giving my parents an angry look.

''Sorry for all the questions, but why can't he?'' my doctor asked.

''Because my parents hate him and won't let him visit me. They keep blaming him for what happened to me and stuff. They don't seem to realize how much I need him right now. They're selfish,'' I replied, not caring that my parents were listening to our conversation. 

Dr. Gunn seemed very mad at what I just told her. She started yelling at my parents telling them how it wasn't right of them to forbid me from seeing my boyfriend in this difficult moment of my life. She told them how I needed some happiness in my life that they were obviously taking it away from me by not letting Austin visit me. My parents seemed very mad to get yelled at by Lynn and kept telling her that it wasn't her business and that they had every right to do what they were doing. 

''Anyway, we're here for you to remove Alan's bandage and stitches. We don't have all day, so please do what you need to do and stop telling us what we should do or not,'' my mother demanded.

Lynn nodded and walked towards me, next to the bed I was laying on. She gave me a warm smile as she began to remove my bandage. I didn't look at her or at my ''arm''. I didn't want to see it. Having a bandage wasn't that bad. But removing it...it meant that everything was real, that I no longer had a arm and that I wouldn't be able to hide it anymore. I tried not to cry by taking deep breaths and Lynn noticed how sad I was.

''Relax Alan dear, I know this isn't easy for you. You're going to be okay, I promise,'' she said to comfort me. Her words weren't as powerful as Austin's, but they still managed to make me feel a little better. 

''How does it look?'' my father asked, not seeming to take about how I felt. I knew that all he wanted was to get out of this room and go to work where he would win money and do something that is really important in his eyes.

''It's healing very well, though I would prefer to wait a week longer before taking out the stitches. I'll see you in a week, same time,'' Lynn replied. My parents didn't seem pleased with her answer and just stood up angrily.

''Fine, just fine. Come on Alan, we're going home,'' my mother said.

I nodded and followed her out of the room, not forgetting to give Lynn one last warm smile. She absolutely was the best doctor I could ever have. And I didn't miss her mouthing ''You'll be okay'' when I left the room.

*****

Just like I expected, my parents dropped me home and left for work. They didn't even ask me how I was on the way home, they didn't even tell me a single word. I stepped out of the car and made my way into my house that didn't feel much like home. Home is supposed to make you feel secure, to make you feel good. And I didn't feel that way between those walls. I felt like a prisonner. Home was in Austin's arms. Home was anywhere with Austin. He made me feel secure and good about myself unlike some people I know. He made me feel important and loved.

I made my way to my room and freezed in front of my mirror. My eyes were glued on what was left on my arm. I felt sick and sad. The view wasn't beautiful at all. I bursted out into tears looking at my reflection. Why did this happen to me? I felt like having a panic attak, I felt like I wanted to die on the spot. So I did the only thing that would make me feel better, the only thing that would put back a smile on my face. I grabbed my phone and texted my one true love, Austin.

[To: My Boyfriend <3]: Hey baby, I miss you... :(

A few seconds later and Austin had already replied to me. 

[From: My Boyfriend <3] : I miss you too love, so so much... how was your visit at the hospital?

[To: My Boyfriend <3] : Could have been worse...I just wish you would have there with me...my parents obviously don't care about me... 

[From: My Boyfriend <3] : Don't say that Alan, I'm sure they care about you...I wish I would have been there with you too. It's so hard seeing you going through this and not being able to hold you and make you feel better. I feel like a terrible boyfriend. 

[To: My Boyfriend <3]: They don't care about me Austin. If they did, they would let me see you. Because you know what? You're the best boyfriend anyone could ever have. You're perfect in every single way. You make me smile, you make me feel loved...you make me feel like I matter and that I have another chance at being happy. You're giving me all those beautiful gifts Austin, and that makes you an extraordinary boyfriend <3 

[From: My Boyfriend <3] : You mean so much to me Alan Ashby, you are everything to me xx

[To: My Boyfriend <3] : You mean so much moe to me Austin Carlile, you are the air that I breathe xxxxxxxxx 

Austin and I kept texting each other for hours until he had to be somewhere else, probably helping his parents doing chores or stuff like that. Just like I thought, talking to him made me feel a whole lot better. His sweet words and jokes brought back a smile on my face, a smile that I always feel will be forever last. But Austin will always find a way to find it back. I smiled as I read our conversation all over again, sending shivers down my spine. How did I get so lucky to have him in my life?

I looked at the time and it was only 1 in the afternoon. I decided to go take a walk in the neighborhood. I needed some fresh air since I didn't get any in multiple days. I grabbed my wallet and my sunglasses and made my way outside. This was the first time I was showing myself in public since the accident. I wasn't feeling very comfortable about this, but I will have to get used to people looking at me in weird ways or asking questions...so why not start now? I walked down my street until I reached a familiar park, a park I used to come a lot when I was younger. I used to hang out here with my grandmother while my parents were at home. She had always been a mother to me and it pained me so much when she passed away from a brain cancer. God needed her angel back...but she took her away from me way too soon.

I walked in the park and I could feel multiple pairs of eyes on me. I could hear people say ''What happened to him?'', ''Have you seen that boy?'', ''Mommy, why does the man only have one arm?'', etc. Those were questions I would need to get used to. Humans are curious and love to care about everyone else's business. They love to know every single details about your life and use them against you. Humans love to spread rumors or talk about people behind their backs. That was why I sometiems felt ashamed of being a human myself. Because humans are not great, they are bad. I ignored all the looks and questions until I reached a familiar bench. All the memories that it brought back made me smile. I sat on the familiar bench where I used to eat ice cream with my grandmother and just closed me eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the feeling of the wind on my skin.

That was until I heard a familiar voice not far away from me...Austin's. What was he doing in the park? I thought he had things to do. Maybe these things involved being in a park... I stood up and searched for him until I spotted him by a tree near me. I was going to surprise him by hugging him from behind. I smiled as I silently walked towards him... But I stopped in my ways as I saw him with a phone. He wasn't texting... he was talking. How could he hear what the other person was saying when he was deaf? It suddenly all made sense to me... Back in the hospital, he would reply to what I wrote on the computerized voice...how could he hear it? How could he hear it when he was deaf? Maybe he wasn't so deaf after all.

''Yes Aaron the experiment is going very well. ...Yes I'm still pretending to be deaf, isn't the point of this whole experiment?...No, he doesn't have a clue about the experiment...Of course he means a lot to me Aaron...,'' I heard him say.

So that was it. An experiment. Austin was never deaf, he was only pretending to be so he could get closer to me. I was only an experiment to him. He probably never cared about me and was only doing what neeed to be done to complete his work. I felt tears in my eyes. I felt betrayed. The only person I thought would never hurt me did. I thought he cared about me, that he would never lied to me. All we shared was just a lie, it was nothing but a lie. I didn't want to stay there any longer. I started running as far as I could. And the last thing I heard was him calling out my name.


	8. Chapter 8

Austin's P.O.V.

I never meant for this to happen, I never meant for Alan to find out the truth this way. I was going to tell him sooner or later, I didn't want him to learn it the way he did. I messed up, making Alan hate me. I lost my boyfriend, the guy who hasn't been in my life for a long time but who still managed to change me forever. I made the guy who finally made me happy after years of not being fine at all running away from mae. It was all my fault. I should have seen this coming from the start, I should have never lied to Alan. I should have been honnest with him right away. I shouldn't have pretend to be deaf to get closer to him. But I didn't have that much of a choice, because of that stupid experiment I had to do for one of my classes. I had to pretend to be a deaf person so I could get closer to a mute person and study them in some way. I had to understand how mute people live differently from people who don't have this kind of handicap. I wished I could have acted like myself from the beginning.  I wish I could have shown the real me to Alan instead of pretending to be someone I wasn't. It was wrong from the start and I will forever regret how things turned out.

When I met Alan the first day in his class, I didn't think that I would actually fall this hard for him. I found him very nice and quite attractive, but I thought it would stop there. But it didn't. I rapidly developped a crush on the ginger and got attached to him. Just being around him sent chills down my spine and made me smile like a teenage girl who just found out her crush likes her back. He wasn't just like any other guys I have met before. He was Alan Ashby, a unique boy with the biggest of hearts. All I wanted was to make him happy, to make him smile. When he almost died the other after getting attacked, I fell like time stopped. I just couldn't lose him even though we weren't official at that time. He just meant so much to me. When I heard he was going to be okay, I could finally breathe normally again. He sure lost an arm, but he was alive. He was still going to be by my side and I was going to do everything humanly possible to turn his nightmare into a dream. But that wasn't going to happen anymore, because I messed up and that there was no way that I was going to get him back.

I tried to text him multiple times in the hopes that he would replied. But he never did. I even showed up at his place, pleading his parents to let me see their son. But they wouldn't let me in. Because I broke their little boy's heart, because I was nothing but a monster. They threatened me to call the police if I ever dared to show up at their place again. They wanted me out of Alan's life for good, because he deserved someone better than me. He deserved someone who wouldn't lie straight to his face and wouldn't cause him pain the way I did. They wouldn't hear me out when I tried to explain that I didn't mean to break Alan's heart, that I really cared about him. They said that if what I was saying was true, that I would have told Alan the truth from the start. I needed to see Alan, I needed to talk to him and explain myself. I showed up at his school which I no longer attended since my project was over. When Alan saw me, he ran away from me. I barely saw him, but I didn't miss the tears running down his face. I hated seeing him like this. I hated not seeing his beautiful smile that I loved so much. But most of all, I hated that I was the reason why this perfect angel was crying. Since he wouldn't hear me out, I decided to write him a letter in the hopes that he would read it. I had to rewrite it a couple of times before it was perfect. I went to Alan's house and slid the letter under the main door. All I had to do now was wait.

Alan's P.O.V.

It's been two weeks since I found out the truth about Austin and I wasn't getting any better. Everyday I would wake up crying, feeling like an idiot for falling for him. I should have known that it was too good to be true, that a guy like him couldn't actually like me. I should have known better than getting attached to him. Because now, I was broken. My heart was shattered in millions of tiny pieces that could never be put back together. It hurt so much. It hurt so much to know that the one guy who managed to make me feel special when nobody else could lied to me. It hurt so much to know that the boy who made me believe in love and happiness to me was nothing but a liar who never really cared about me. Why did I deserve this? Why did I deserve to be brokenhearted? Didn't I suffer enough? Wasn't losing an arm enough or did life really hate me that much? I figured it pretty hated me, because nothing was good about existence, absolutely nothing. Nothing I did was ever good enough and everybody I cared about always left me. I just wanted to be happy, and I thought Austin could be that one person to give me faith in life. I thought he could be the one to make me smile again, to make me feel like life is worth it. But I was wrong.

Austin tried to contact me multiple times, but I wouldn't answer his texts or calls. It hurt too much. Just seeing his name on my phone brought tears in my eyes. I missed him, I truly missed. Even though I hated him, I still missed him when I shouldn't. I couldn't delete him from the contacts on my phone or from my Facebook. I didn't have the strenght to do it even though my parents kept encouraging me to do it for my own good. I wished things could still be the same with Austin.  So many times he showed up at my place or at school to talk to me. But I wouldn't let him. Because I didn't want to suffer anymore, I didn't want to hear the truth that would only break me more.  But the main reason I didn't want to talk to him was because I didn't want him to see me. I didn't want him to see how bad I looked. And...I didn't want him to notice all the scars on my arms. I didn't want to see how miserable I was. 

I started to self harm again, a thing I haven't done in so long. I made a promise to myself back then that nothing was worth causing myself that pain, that nothing was horrible enough for me to want to cut. But I was wrong. What Austin did to me was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It was even worse than losing my arms or getting bullied. Nothing caused me more pain and sadness than being heartbroken. When I got home that day I found Austin talking on the phone in the park, I wasn't fine at all. Thankfully, my parents weren't home. I locked myself in my bathroom and searched for my lost friend that I haven't seen in so long. I thought I would never have the need to see him again, but at that moment, I did. So I cut until my arms were both covered in blood and scars. And I've been doing the same thing every night for two weeks. My parents didn't find out, and nobody would ever do.

I didn't feel like doing anything at all. All I wanted to do was stay in bed all day and cry. But my parents were still forcing me to go to school, telling me that I shouldn't waste my time and life because of a guy like Austin, that he didn't deserve any of my tears. I knew he didn't, but the pain was still there. The feeling of missing him was still there. The need to hug him and kiss was still there every moment of the day, and it wasn't going to go away anytime soon. I kept seeing Austin everywhere, imagining he was right beside me hoping that we were okay and that none of this ever happened. I couldn't concentrate in school. I wouldn't do my work and I would ignore my teacher all the time which was very unlike me. All I was waiting for was lunch break so I could go outside and cry under the big tree in the park right in front of our school. It became my wasteland. 

Today wasn't any different from the previous days. My teacher stopped trying to make me do my work, she understood that it wasn't worth it. When the bell announcing lunch finally rang, I grabbed all my things and rushed outside the room and walked towards my locker so I could leave my books and grab my lunch which consisted in barely nothing. I haven't been eating much since I found out about Austin. Why trying being healthy when you have nothing to hold on to? When I opened my locker, an enveloppe that wasn't there before fell on the ground. Who could have written me a letter? I dropped my books in my locker and grabbed the enveloppe on which my name was written. I would recognize this handwritting among a thousand. It was Austin's. Part of me just wanted to throw it away while the other half really wanted to read it. I grabbed my lunch and left the school ground so I could go to the park. I sat under the familiar tree, Austin's letter still in my right hand. I really didn't know what to do. I didn't want to open it because I was afraid of what I would find out. I didn't want to be more broken than I already was...even though it was almost impossible to be more broken. But I wanted to open it because even though I was terrified, I still wanted to know the truth. I took a deep breathe and thought about it for a few minutes until I made up my mind and opened the enveloppe.

_Dear Alan,_

_I don't know if you are ever going to read this. Even if you don't, I still had to write this letter. I have to write it all down. I need you to know the truth. It has been killing me for two weeks._

_First of all, you have all the rights to hate me. I should have never lied to you about who I was and about my intentions. But I couldn't tell you. I had to do this stupid experiment and I knew from the start that it was a bad idea. I didn't think it was okay for me to pretend to be deaf so I could get closer to a mute person.  But I needed a good grade to pass the class. So I went with it and pretended to be deaf so I could get closer to you. And it worked. I just wished I could have met you differently. I just wished I would have never caused you pain._

_Because I really really like you Alan. From the first day in this class, I knew you were different and that I wanted to know you more. I knew that I wanted you to be part of my life and that I wanted to be part of yours. I might have lied about being deaf, but all the other things I told you were true. All the compliments I told you were true. All the times I told you how much you meant to be were true. You do really mean a lot to me Alan. You gave me the chance to know more about the amazing man you are. You are perfect in every single ways and I hope you know it. You are...well you were my boyfriend and I truly cared about you. I really wanted to make you happy and spend as much time as possible by your side. I still feel so guilty about your accident, you would still have two arms if it wasn't for me._

_I hope you know that you deserve the greatest in life. And I'll forever be sorry for hurting you. It's something that I must live with everyday. I just wish that I could take away all the pain that I caused you. I'm not asking you to forgive me, I don't deserve it anyway. You deserve someone who will treat you right from the start and won't cause you pain. But please, at least write me back. Text me, call me... I don't know. I just need to know that you read this..._

_I'll forever be sorry,_

_Austin._

Tears were falling on my cheeks as I finished reading Austin's letter. I didn't really know what to think about it. I wanted to believe everything that Austin wrote in his letter. But it was hard for me. I didn't what to do.  I didn't know if I should text Austin or no. I didn't know if I should wait a couple of days or text him right away. After a moment, I figured that Austin deserved something. So I grabbed my phone and used my last dose of courage to text him.

[To: Austin]  _I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do..._

[From: Austin]  _But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you..._

 


End file.
